Geeze, it's almost been a month since I posted, huh? I still haven't shared my trip back to Maryland, or Papa's trip to DC for his testing for school or another camping trip or how the kids are doing.
I've got a confession: I've been having some cloudy days. I've been overwhelmed. I don't want to say "depressed" but maybe that is accurate.
Here is the reality:
My husband has been going to school since we met, with only brief breaks here and there. I have had two children while he has been in school, with him not missing a day of class during the whole process. I haven't had the bubble of "support" that I would have desired during either pregnancy or the post partum phase. We are essentially on our own here. I take care of everything: childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, yard work, scheduling, planning, finances. Any free time Papa has is spent with the children. I don't really see him at all. He is an amazingly hard worker, but he also tends to "shut down" when he gets overstressed. That has happened several times in the past year and a half with our move, starting this program, having a new baby.....and I am the one that picks up the slack and loads us all in the family wheelbarrow and starts pushing us through it. That's what I do. That is, and always has been, my role.
I also have a baby boy that is almost one year old but I can only count on one hand the number of times he has slept through the night with no wake ups. I get up with him, I don't ask my husband to. Between work and school I honestly don't know what more I could ask of him.
This leaves me not having much support for myself. Who can pick up that slack when I just can't bear it anymore? See my conundrum? I've been overworked, overtired and feeling underappreciated.
This isn't a pitty party, just reality. I've been working on pulling myself out of my funk and I seem to finally be making headway. Getting organized is a huge help. We are having a yard sale this weekend to declutter, I have scheduled out my weeks with the kids with church playgroup (which I'm in charge of now), helping with church preschool, attending meetups and have even scheduled out my cleaning. My schedule includes at least three morning workouts. I need those. Even just that alone time in the car. Even at 5am.
People comment all the time that I am "superwoman" or an inspiration to them. That is very kind but the reality is that, just like everyone else, I am just doing the best I can to stay afloat. I have bad days, just like everyone else.
I believe that women are strong and capable and want Little Lady growing up knowing she can be a doctor or a nurse or a lawyer or an accountant or a farmer or an Olympic lifter. She can also grow up and take on one of the toughest jobs I have ever had - being a wife and mother. Being the backbone of an entire household is a huge task and requires a very strong woman. I'll admit, my back has been getting tired, but I've got 16 more months to get us through. Staying consistent with CrossFit should help. ;-)
But, if you've wondered where the posts have been and what we've been up to - that's it. I'm getting more organized again and feeling better, so hopefully I'll be able to catch up on them soon.
'Till then.
It is a tough job being mom,loving wife, and the backbone of the family that keeps everything all together and running smoothly. I am glad you are able to find some outlets that are just for you. You are doing a fantastic job, I know it seems trite, but trust me, one day it will all be worth it. Your children will rise up and call you blessed and even if Chris doesn't tell you as often as he should. We at work know how much you mean to him. I'm gonna have to kick his butt to help him remember that just cause we all know, doesn't mean you do. Praying for you both!
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Thanks Shari! We keep telling ourselves that all of this will be worth it. It has to be! I think we are figuring out our groove now. New changes are always tough - like him starting clinicals. He is so much more busy (who knew he could get more busy?) and we all had to figure out how to adjust. I'm feeling much better these days - as long as I get my work outs in! ;-)
DeleteHang in there; It does get better. But don't neglect the option of meds. You know that depression runs in the family and most of us take meds for either depression or anxiety. You could even try some natural anti-depressants if it's just mild. Love you and miss reading your posts but it's more important that you take care of yourself because you ARE the backbone.
ReplyDeleteThanks Laura! I have a big aversion to medications. Funny how I married a medicine man, huh? Once you start, how do you really get off that stuff? Working out seems to be a wonderful anti-depressant for me. I recognize that and can tell a huge difference on the days I don't get one in. Long breaks from working out (like when I was traveling and then here alone with the kiddos) are not good for me. Thank you for your concern. Honestly, you and Shari (and another friend from facebook) are pretty much the only ones that even responded to this post - and, as you know, I can tell how many people read it. Things are feeling much better now. I made a schedule for myself - put it on my calendar. A cleaning schedule, a workout schedule, an activity schedule. And then I followed it. It helped tremendously. We've gotten into our groove now, figured out our schedules with Chris doing clinicals and, well, us never really seeing him. It is all temporary, and we'll make it through. :)
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